* A doctor is examining a young female patient. He applies his stethoscope and says, ‘Big breaths.’ ‘Yeth,’ replies the girl. ‘And I’m thtill only thixtheen’.’
* Doctor to patient: ‘Your breathing doesn’t sound very good.’ Patient: ‘No. It’s coming in short pants.’ Doctor: ‘Well, it should be coming from your lungs.’
* Doctor to patient: ‘Don’t forget to stick your tongue out when the nurse comes.’ Patient: ‘Why?’ Doctor: ‘I don’t like her’.’
* Due to a mix-up in Urology, orange juice will not be in hospital menu this morning.
* A beautiful young girl is about to undergo an operation. She’s laid into a trolley and wheeled into the corridor. The nurse leaves her outside the operating theater and goes to tell the surgeon she’s ready. A young man in a white coat comes over, lifts up the girl’s sheet and examines her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and performs the same examination. Then a third man comes over and lifts the sheet. The girl loses her temper, ‘Are these examinations strictly necessary?’ she complains. ‘I’ve no idea,’ replies the man. ‘We’re just here to paint the ceiling.’
* A surgical patient wakes up after an operation and is told that he’s got to be opened up again. It seems that the surgical team has left a pair of rubber gloves inside him. The patient says, ‘Couldn’t I just pay for them?’
* A doctor is walking down a hospital ward when he hears a shriek and hears a nun running out of another doctor’s office. Curious, he steps in to find out what’s going on. ‘Oh, I just told that nun she’s pregnant,’ says the second doctor. ‘My God, is she?’ asks the first doctor. ‘Of course not,’ says the second doctor. ‘But it cured her hiccups.’
* A man with persistent cough goes to a pharmacy and gets a remedy from the assistant. Next day he’s back saying the cure didn’t work and asks for something else. The assistant gives him another cough medicine, but the next day the man is back complaining the new medicine doesn’t work either. This continues over for weeks until the head pharmacist takes over and gives the man another bottle of medicine. The next day the assistant sees the man walking very slowly down the road, his cough completely cured. ‘That’s fantastic,’ says the assistant. ‘What cough remedy did you give him?’ ‘I didn’t give him a cough remedy,’ says the head pharmacist. ‘I gave him a laxative. Now he’s afraid to cough.’
* An old man was having some stomach problems so his doctor told him to drink warm water with Epsom Salts one hour before breakfast. At the end of the week the old man returns and said he was feeling much worse. ‘Really?’ said the doctor. ‘And did you drink the salt water one hour before breakfast each day?’ ‘No,’ replied the old man. ‘I could only drink it for 20 minutes.’
* A woman goes to the doctor to get some medication for her elderly husband. She’s given some pills and is told that he should take two every Sunday, Tuesday and Wednesday and skip the remaining days in the week. A month later the woman returns to the doctor to tell that her husband has died of a heart attack. ‘I don’t understand it,’ says the doctor. ‘His heart hasn’t bothered him before. I hope it wasn’t a side effect of the medication.’ ‘Oh no,’ replies the wife. ‘The pills did him good, it was the skipping that killed him.’
* A doctor is speaking to a patient. ‘I have good news and bad news,’ says the doctor. ‘Which would you like to hear first?’ The patient asks for bad news. ‘I have the result from your lab tests, and you only have 24 hours to live,’ says the doctor. ‘So what’s the good news?’ asks the patient. ‘You see that gorgeous busty blonde nurse at the front desk?’ says the doctor. ‘That’s my girlfriend.’
* Doctor to patient: ‘I have to tell you, you have acute angina.’ Patient: ‘Why thank you, doctor.’
* Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.